I am in transition. I am conflicted. I am frustrated and worried and alone. I am hidden. I am a secret even from myself. I am proud and disappointed, looking forward and regretting something for the first time. I have had an experience here. And despite everything, I'm going to miss it. Miss Spanish class with Colin and being real with people. Miss Hannah. Miss Isabel. Miss Annie and Teddy and people who I've just seen around. Miss Rachel and making a home in this strange place. Making a big decision; doing it on my own. Loving Nate. So, so much. Being scared and sure and so unsure.

appreciate. love. be. live. enjoy this time.

jose gonzalez.

This is what this feels like.

Giddy. Dizzy. Drunk.

We sat in the car, the air full from the 100 degree day, staring, grasping, terrified and trying to understand and capture the moment. He was scared, breathless. We had talked about missing each other, about missing someone when they're standing right there. About missing someone in the center of your chest, deep deep. Then time stopped and he was staring into my eyes, asking if he said something big, would I promise not to be scared, and as I nodded I fell into something new - he said that he loves me, he loves me, he loves me. The feeling, the one that you expect will never come, overtook me as we just took it all in. The gravity of that. Of the first real love. He loves me. Somehow in that second everything changed. It's all different now.

My reality will drastically shift in the next month. It's odd to know a change is coming.

sometimes i'm so ridiculously conflicted it's all i can do to stay in one piece.

it's a good thing that love is not limited, there is no cap. you can always love more. which is good, because i love so much right now.

i am alive

i am a step away from falling and one feather short of flight

i climb on the longest escalator in the universe: as it descends i rise

i recklessly careen through the faces and places, trying to capture each second for all of eternity

i do not wait, i chase because i have seen the sun set and because i have closed my eyes

i open my heart to each day and step into bliss

What is real?

Bennett asked us this with a clothespin question in Scriptwriting so many months ago, and I wrote some existential answer about real and all that, but as I've come to think of it more, I have a different answer. I've come to believe that passion and the purpose of your life are completely connected. What makes you happy and excited is what you should be doing at that moment. This, after much thought during my daily drive to work (which I'm trying to be zen about), has led me to see that "real" is what you can see; what you can connect with. Example - Denis and his passion for music. For him, music isn't just sounds that one listens to, likes or dislikes. When he hears music he sees the musicians, the hard work that went into the song, the instruments, the band's message and above all connects with that, and wants to make his own. As for me, I love music, but I only rarely see it as so "real".

I hear the sounds and deeply enjoy what I hear. Songs that speak to me produce images of drum circles in Africa thousands of years ago, when music came from the deepest part of the soul, was an extension of feeling and emotion. To some extent that is still around today, however I think a large amount of music is created for/because of the huge industry it is.

Anyway. For Denis, music is real.

I think it's different for everyone. When something is real in that way, when you see it and connect with it, that's what creates passion, where your drive and purpose manifest.

Just something I've been thinking about.